Story of My Life (the Twentyish Lies remix)
by TheBigCat
Summary: Dear Pond, You have asked me many times who I am. I believe it is about time I rectified this. Please choose from the following.


**I regret nothing. Remixed from 'Twentyish Lies Told to Rose Tyler' by Nostalgia, which is somewhere on this website. It's one of my favorite fics of all time, and I was reading it in class when a friend pointed out one I could add to the list. This soon followed. All of these are my own creation, except for the last one. Please drop a review to prove that I'm not entirely worthless!**

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><p>Dear Pond,<p>

You have asked me many times who I am. I believe it is about time I rectified this.

Please choose from the following.

1. I am the result of millions of years worth of preparation to find out what the Question to Life, the Universe, and Everything. (For some reason not yet explained, the Answer is 42.)

2. I do not, in fact, exist. You are currently in a mental asylum somewhere high in the mountains in the Himalayas, and I am just a drug-induced fantasy.

3. When searching for the Key to Time, the Lady Romanadvoratrelundar (occasionally known as Fred) decided it was a good idea to reinvent the orange. While she was working on this problem, I stumbled into the artron energy converter and was subsequently born several millions times across the universe. Fred had no regrets afterwards.

4. When I was very young, I was found in a small, brown-paper package with a tag that said 'take good care of him'. The postmark read 'FROM THE DEEPEST, DARKEST, REGIONS OF PERU'. I was taken in by a foster family and cared for. This whole thing explains nothing, except for the fact why I like marmalade so much.

5. I was thrown into someone else's timestream at some point and scattered all throughout their life. This means that, due to my extraordinarily long life, every single person in the universe is a manifestation of me in some way, shape or form.

5.1. Even you.

6. I have died at least 57 times.

6.1. I got better.

7. My parents were killed by a Dark Lord when I was 2 years old, but I somehow managed to survive. There is a prophecy about me and him that basically goes along the lines of 'one shall _live_, the other shall _die_' and I'll probably get around to it at some point in my life. Maybe.

8. My actual name is 'Me'. My parents were extremely narcissistic, and you can see why I changed it. If I had kept the name, I'd probably be a Detective Inspector by now.

9. Jack Harkness occasionally winked at me in a way that I suspect wasn't entirely appropriate. I never did anything about that, and I'm glad that I made that decision.

10. Crowds of people holding a gourd and my left shoe declared me the 'Messiah'. I very politely told them to go away. They did not.

11. When I was younger, I had short blonde spiky hair and owned a tiger which I talked to a lot. Surprisingly, he talked back. We made the original TARDIS out of a cardboard box and magic marker, and he eventually became a nun, whereupon I turned the box blue with a water gun.

12. The 'grandfather paradox' was actually acted upon by a renegade Gallifreyan, who promptly became evil. The grandfather that he killed was my future incarnation. I did not find this acceptable, and quickly came back to life. Somehow, the renegade is me and I am him. This situation doesn't actually work in logical theory.

13. River Song is me from an alternate timeline.

14. I am River Song from an alternate timeline.

15. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. It is a truth slightly _less _universally acknowledged, that a madman in possession of a box must be in want of a companion.

16. I once spent several thousand years waiting for a chocolate milkshake to be served. Eventually I got bored, cloned myself, and set off on an adventure. As far as I know, the clone is still waiting for the milkshake.

17. The philosophical question 'if a tree falls in the forest, but no one's around, does it make a sound?' was once tested by me and a friend. It turns out that it does make a sound- a very awkward squeaking one- but it also causes your head to explode. I survived. My friend did not.

18. The end of the universe is partly my fault, although I will never reveal exactly why.

19. I was the one to create celery, and as punishment I was forced to wear it all through my fifth incarnation. By the end I was quite enjoying it.

20. My birth involved a loom, a robotic dog, three cream cakes and a toffee apple, although not necessarily in that order.

21. When I had attained a suitably mature age, my greatest arch-nemesis informed me that he was my father, which made no sense at all, considering that my name isn't Luke.

22. In the not-too-distant future (next Sunday) I worked in a satellite loading bay, polishing switches. My bosses didn't like me, so they fired me into space, where I was forced to riff horrible sci-fi movies with some odd robots. They were good company, I suppose, but I never did quite find out how I could eat or breathe, or other science facts.

23. Ace McShane had a great talent for explosives, but she didn't utilize it in the best ways possible. This involved using her high powered bombs to dig holes in the garden, and inadvertently looping life back to the very beginning of Gallifrey, accidentally causing my birth.

24. During my eighth life, I forgot exactly who I was, and continued on pretending what people thought of me. I don't think I truly know who the Doctor is anymore.

25. _At least one of these things is true._


End file.
